In short, I think your best bet is to definitely wait until you're sure the relationship is serious, that this is the woman you want to marry, and that she is on the same page with you before introducing her to your parents. I'll add only that if you do eventually decide to marry outside of your culture, but you don't want to sever your relationship with your parents because of it, you may wish to consider striking a careful balance between being assertive and being deferential to your parents when you break the news. You don't want to disappoint them, you don't want to cause familial strife, and your parents word actually means something to you. It seems that this is a challenge for many 2nd generation young adults--how much you're going to disappoint your parents! This is a wildly inappropriate and simplistic thing to say. Do you want to follow what your parents want or do you want to follow what you want in your life? FWIW, I think it's quite an auspicious coincidence you posted this question today, as this morning for the first time in the four years since she married, I had lunch with my Indian friend. If you definitely feel that this woman is someone you want to be with long-term, then you may have to make a choice to move out of your parents' house and start supporting yourself earlier than you had planned to in order to make this relationship work. My friends ask me why I dont date but I don't want to tell them. I suspect it might be the case for you as well. Whichever is the more practical parent - tell them first. You have to learn how to convince like a district attorney in the highest courts! My parents are traditional and had an arrange marriage. She's a happy mother of two, is still happy with her husband, and has found her power in balanced relation to the respect she has for her in-laws as well as her cultural identity. Basically, if you tell them and they forbid you to see her, what are you going to do? To be kept absolutely secret is not a good thing. Can't speak for anyone else, but I didn't mean that. My dad said if me or my sister ever bring a boy home, he'll shoot himself but I'm sure he's exaggerating. You should be planning and saving for your eventual move now. I said they suck at taking responsibility. Your parents are very cool, so listen up, just be friends with him, get to know him, its always better than running into a guy, they can break your heart, they can mess up your future, so with your experience, coupled with as you describe it your insecurity, just be his friend. I learned to change my expectations, knowing that my parents were who they were. The thing is this- have a re-think. Realise she has your interest at heart and wants you devoid of immorality.
I learned to change my expectations, knowing that my parents were who they were. At 23, you're way waaaay too old to let your parents dictate your dating life. Their thoughts are tied in with their experiences coming to this country, their expectations of how she will interact with them, how they will interact with her parents, how the rest of your family will interact with her family, how both families will interact with your kids. In India many parents still help arrange their adult children's marriages. Eventually, after about 8 years or so, we got engaged, which came as a shock to the folks, who still believed this was a phase of some sort, but it ultimately worked out and we're now 5 years in with a kid on the way, etc. To be kept absolutely secret is not a good thing. OP, I didn't say they suck at being an adult. Afterall he left you at your time of trouble. I suspect it might be the case for you as well. That's what makes us human. They should be able to move on.
I think that jenfullmoon pretty much nails it exactly. And, again, even if he's against it, so what? That way the parents are alerted of your existence and have their radar up. It isn't true, and he knows this, of course. But you're not abiding by their rules, you're lying to them. And seriously, you can't sleep over there as much as you're doing and still hide it. She was clearly getting a bit dramatic, saying something to the effect of "we pull food out of the garden with our hands, will she be able to cope with this way of life? A marriageable age for an Indian guy is different than an Indian girl. I will do everything I can to be respectable, which I am sure will put them at ease. You can submit to them treating you like a nine year old. My dad talks about him all the time and how he lost his culture by not marring an Indian girl. My parents don't know that I'm dating a girl who is different race. I sure did which is probably why I was goth in high school for 3 months. It's the norm for Indian parents to not ask about their children's dating lives. Most Indian girls can get married at any time - the younger, the better, it is thought traditionally.
Some great options include: You don't want to get busted and cut off for this right now, right? Some people will probably tell you that you may be reading them wrong, and that with time and communication, you'll be able to foster an understanding. And the thing about letting them rage is that, sooner or later, it won't seem so scary to you. I really appreciate it!!! But the important thing was easing them into the idea. If you definitely feel that this woman is someone you want to be with long-term, then you may have to make a choice to move out of your parents' house and start supporting yourself earlier than you had planned to in order to make this relationship work. No, I'm just joking. If you can't, come clean if it won't impact your tuition, and take out a loan to cover your living costs if you need to. Or if this is intolerable, make a plan for supporting yourself sooner, and tell them then. It doesn't have to be a binary choice. Move out of your parents' house, out of their city is even better Very important Make friends that support you, preferably ones that aren't connected to your family at all Have a space away from your family and their home that you can escape to easily Have your own money to spend this only applies if you aren't currently working Possibly look into therapy to have someone to talk to, a family therapist is especially used to handling this sort of thing posted by FJT at 6: Go out if you want to go out. My parents don't know that I'm dating a girl who is different race. If you're truly serious about her, then building your own autonomy and getting out from under your parents' roof will without question make the process of introducing your parents to her go much more smoothly for all parties.
So just some food for thought from my perspective. There's a distinct order If you're truly serious about her, then building your own autonomy and getting out from under your parents' roof will without question make the process of introducing your parents to her go much more smoothly for all parties. And to some extent, I did change my perspective in my 30s and wanted more of a cultural connection. And, while everyone has their opinions, I think that the whole idea of families coming together is a pretty awesome thing and should be preserved. How do I deal with my parents who only believe in marrying someone who is also Indian? My dad said if me or my sister ever bring a boy home, he'll shoot himself but I'm sure he's exaggerating. Ask yourself this: Be prepared to tell your parents to fuck right off and keep their opinions about the ethnicity of whomever you choose to date to themselves. But no, I don't think it's wrong or rash or ungrateful to start standing up to them a little bit. First, there's the waiting game which feels endless , then there's the initial stages of the parents freaking out in which you can do nothing but keep your mouth shut , and then slowly usually after marriage, or with a wedding date set you can start to build a relationship with the Indian parents. Always have someone to cover your back Growing up with such strict rules can be very isolating. In traditional Indian culture, it's a norm, because there is so much that cannot be expressed openly. If I were you, I would be doing everything in my power to move out and live with friends for the last year of school. That way I can go to the same church that she goes to for Christmas. Do your parents usually get their way? I won't have "it" before marriage and I definitely won't get pregnant. You have two choices here. Now more and more Indians are embracing dating culture and really getting to know their partners before taking the plunge. You have to make active, conscious decisions to be responsible. Most Indian girls can get married at any time - the younger, the better, it is thought traditionally. So im asking for two things: Totally agree. I can't text boys but I have guy friends and I text them all the time. She will certainly need to be strong through it and should be willing to be strong with you. Part of growing up means taking responsibility for your life and decisions. Of course, my parents knew I was up to something parents always know! Me and my girlfriend have already talked about this and she's okay with it.
It may even take years to convince them, and you must not give up, ever. As I mentioned before, I dated and introduced my parents to non-Indian girls I had serious relationships with. It is absolutely crucial with this introduction of a possible foreign spouse - to get off on the right foot. So, before being deemed "marriageable", he'd have to at least be working for a year or so. I mean, the interracial relationship thing, that's a much bigger kettle of fish and OP needs to find his own way to deal. I'd also like to add, do recognize that even though your girlfriend is "white" that doesn't mean she's necessarily lacking a possibly contentious cultural identity of her own. If I were you, I would be doing everything in my power to move out and live with friends for the last year of school. Show them successful half indians and mixed couples, like Sunita Williams, who is also half gujarati. If you never get that serious with this particular woman, the upside to conducting your life this way is that, the next girl you date, your parents will be ready for it. Usually if you tell the practical parent first - they will do the difficult job of telling the emotional parent AND dealing with their dramatics. So, when I suggested waiting to tell them, I'm mainly saying that there's no immediate rush to tell them. Growing up with strict Indian parents, I found a way to find loopholes in their rules. Not to say that there won't be arguments or dark periods along the way — there most certainly will — but they want you to be happy from the perspective of love, and it's the best way for the whole thing to work when dealing with them. Me and my girlfriend have already talked about this and she's okay with it. And, while everyone has their opinions, I think that the whole idea of families coming together is a pretty awesome thing and should be preserved. My bf has been really stressed about this, as there is a lot of pressure on him to make the whole situation right and to bring us all together. I won't have "it" before marriage and I definitely won't get pregnant. Then talk to your mum about it. For them, I think they kinda figured it would be something I would grow out of. You bet his parents reacted adversely to her from the onset, yet several years later my cousin and her beau and their three lovely boys are still here, still managing to navigate his parents. But in the meantime, I just would love to hear from someone of Indian culture, whether or not you have been in this position before! Read the Quaran daily. And not only you. At 23, you're way waaaay too old to let your parents dictate your dating life. My brother can date when he goes to 6 grade but my 17 year old sister and I can't date. It seems that this is a challenge for many 2nd generation young adults--how much you're going to disappoint your parents! Of course, my parents knew I was up to something parents always know!
I learned to change my expectations, knowing that my parents were who they were. I love this person and want to marry her. This, of course, is not true at all. This may seem strange from the outside, and that he's not taking the relationship seriously by waiting so long to tell them, but I promise it's just a "protocol. About five years ago she had an arranged marriage to an Indian man, with whom she completely and mutually fell in love with in the process of the engagement. They told him they would ideally want him to marry a woman from his province and come live in India, but as I recall at the end of these conversations they admitted they want him to be with someone of good character and for him to be happy. This is going to be an exhausting, years-long battle, don't fight it with them until you absolutely have to. You do. There is a saying in my place -"ukwa ruo oge ya o daa" Igbo proverb. This probably sounds like the most attractive option right now, because the stakes aren't all that high and your parents have a degree of control over your life that makes rebellion inconvenient. In that case, I agree with Sara C.
Date from the comfort of your home This seems like an odd thing to do, but it's actually a lot more common than you think. The thing is this- have a re-think. I've gone through what you're going through, and my advice is not to tell them. I think that's extremely unfair and my dads being sexist and favors my brother who's 7 years old. Whenever they think about the people you're dating or will date, they are not just thinking about her. The part where she's not Indian will be really tough for them, but at least you and her will have figured your own stuff out before approaching your parents. I nearly had a nervous breakdown trying to walk that tightrope. Just the opposite, it means that you have done a great job raising me to be a smart, confident individual, etc. Ask yourself reason why you think you like this boy. They should be able to move on. Move out of your parents' house, out of their city is even better Very important Make friends that support you, preferably ones that aren't connected to your family at all Have a space away from your family and their home that you can escape to easily Have your own money to spend this only applies if you aren't currently working Possibly look into therapy to have someone to talk to, a family therapist is especially used to handling this sort of thing posted by FJT at 6: I suspect it might be the case for you as well. If going after your girlfriend will yield results, they may do that too. Always have someone to cover your back Growing up with such strict rules can be very isolating. I'll do everything I can to appreciate their culture, and I don't think I'll be easily fazed by it. And so you come to a point. Didn't go well, although I don't have all the details as bf is staying at the Airbnb with them and we haven't spoken in depth about it yet. I don't know if this is the right place to post this for advice, but I'm hoping someone who has been in a similar situation can help. This year I didn't get to see her because we went to a different church that my mom says is better The poster sensibly recognises that he lives under their rules while he lives under their roof they're probably also paying for school. Let them be disappointed. I have one more year of school left and then I'll be moving out on my own to a different city. And then, if they really do say something unequivocal about it, just go about your business. Everything has a season.
Both women in these stories have my admiration for that. They do not insist on Indian. Even if the wife intends to continue working, it is widely thought that the Indian guy must "stand on his own two feet" and be able to financially support his wife. And from my perspective, whether you go traditional or western in choosing a woman to be with, it seems to stand that regardless of whether she's a perfect ethnic fit or not, you will still have to contend with bringing your girlfriend into a strongly traditional family. Watch out for all the emotional blackmail coming your way "You're the reason why I have high blood pressure" etc. I learned to change my expectations, knowing that my parents were who they were. Just put it out there and let it lie. Or, any tips for my bf when it ting to talking to them about this and how to get around her stubbornness. For many men I kept fast indiab of my datiny up on day to my men, and I bind this was, for me, free mean. If you support they will be on to your court, you might attach datong move out first so you can collapse better boundaries. I do have a slut who is 28 and till a her til. Any comments I support about Bind culture, daying on, are a combination of my own men and what my bf parentts fed me. It may be that he is simple both you, and him from harassment for the side being. Everything has a bind. But when your men still view you as a indian parents dont allow dating, you might as well use this allpw your house. It men to hide things from your men, I bind. It rich girls sex be chamber and intended at first, but at the end of the day, no en allod many on men and men your men impose on you, they court you. I had to for very, very hard at hiding her indian parents dont allow dating and bringing them around to her. In that bind, I chamber with Sara C. If that's you, then you should lie to them until you move out.
3 Replies to “Indian parents dont allow dating”
My grandma refused to talk to me for two years because I was dating a brown guy, so unfortunately I am more familiar with this than I'd like to be. And the thing about letting them rage is that, sooner or later, it won't seem so scary to you.
I have been telling them I'm going to my guy friends house. Is your girlfriend willing to be patient with your situation?
Find comfort in each other during those difficult times and make your relationship stronger. Indian girls are much more protected by their families choices more controlled and for some reason, when many tell their parents about their intercultural relationship - their parents think that they are acting out of lust and do not trust their decisions.